The Evil Life
by g0 w1th th3 fl0w
Summary: What do you get if you cross Disney Villains with communal living? A sitcom goldmine! See sparks fly and tempers flare as the Villains cope with everyday life in a shared loving space in the new smash-hit sitcom 'The Evil Life!
1. Episode 1: The New Television

Episode 1: The New Television

If one were to head down Main Street, Toontown and take a sharp left down Iwerks Avenue, before bearing left again down seemingly innocuous yet strangely gloomy passageway, one would be confronted with the sight of a Mansion. Indeed, this is a Mansion worthy of the capitalisation, as its dark spires and looming neo-gothic façade instil a certain degree of reluctant reverence into one's heart. However, if one was still not put off by the looming Mansion, inexplicably surrounded by storm clouds 24/7, its inhabitants are certainly off-putting enough.

*Roll intro, featuring a gaudy homage (read: parody) to the iconic Full House intro, featuring the major Disney Villains*

We open onto the living room of the Mansion; the room is cavernous, with a high Victorian ceiling and large windows. Pinned to the door is a small whiteboard reading 'DAYS WITHOUT VIOLENCE: 4', but the ink stain directly underneath says otherwise. A battered pool table resides in one corner, while in the opposite corner a small television is perched upon a wobbly stand.

Said television is the chief source of conflict today.

The television had been on the fritz for a while now (and let it be known that they had reported it to the Mouse three times in the past month), with problems ranging from a static-laced screen to a dodgy remote control. Hook even claims to have received a moderate electric shock from it.

The Queen of Hearts sits on one of the fading red faux-velvet couches, fumbling with the television remote. Muttering violently under her breath, she jabs a stumpy finger at the object, intent on changing the channel. Let it also be known that the Queen of Hearts has a reputation for being rather bad-tempered. After three more minutes of forceful jabbing, she lets out a savage cry of frustration, and lobs the offending device at the television screen with all her might. The other Villains idling in the room look up to see what the commotion is, and are greeted with the sight of a seething (if not slightly sheepish) Queen of Hearts glaring daggers at the remote, which is now thoroughly embedded in the television screen.

"Why are you like this?" Facilier mutters, pinching the bridge of his nose.

Hearts turns to him sharply, beady eyes zeroing in on him like a hawk's, "That damned remote broke and the TV was stuck on that godawful _'Real Princesses of Disney'_ show!"

Seeing the woebegone expressions of his fellow Villains, Hans decides to put forward his view of the situation, "Well, I guess we can always get the screen replaced?"

The assembled Villains turn to him, snark at the ready, when the television gives a choked sputtering sound and promptly explodes.

"EVERYBODY DOWN!"

After the television shows no more signs of combusting further, the Villains survey the damage. A blackened scorch mark now occupied the space of their former television, which has been blown clear out of the window.

A collective sigh of despair emanates from the group, with a disgruntled " _Oy_ " coming from Hades' direction.

"Damnit woman, do you know how much that TV cost us?!" Hook rounds on Hearts.

"$35 from Honest John and Gideon!"

Lost for words at the realisation that his argument wasn't exactly compelling, Hook quietly sits down on the sofa.

"Look, we need to buy a new one," Gothel declares, determined to bring some rationality into the situation before it gets out of hand, "We can pool our money and buy a decent one for a change."

"Hey, if the Mouse can't be bothered to get his ass in gear and repair our old one, it should be him who pays for our new one!" Hades (who in actuality was saving his money for a hot tub) exclaims.

This is met by clamours of agreement.

"Well," Gothel begins, "if we want this done properly, we'll need someone diplomatic, someone to make a good case for us getting a decent replacement."

"No one is diplomatic like Gaston!"

Gothel casts a withering look at the hunter, "...that's Gaston ruled out."

"I think I know just the person we're looking for..." Jafar smirks.

o.o.o.o.o

Jafar stumbles backwards, rubbing his nose after its unfortunate contact with Maleficent's door.

"Told ya Mal wouldn't do it. She doesn't even watch TV anyway," Hades smirks at the ex-vizier.

Jafar merely frowns. Straightening his turban, he starts down the corridor again, "I refuse to sit in that waiting room for hours on end before listening to the rodent hum and hah about the budget and all that. The others are all clamouring for an upgrade from the last one. Grimhilde saw an 80 inch screen in an advert the other week, and has somehow managed to convince the others that we need it."

"What we need," Hades declares, "is some sap who will go to the Mouse and demand that we receive said 80 inch television. A total suicide mission, of course, but-"

"What about Kronk?"

"Helping out at the old folks' home"

"Hans?"

"Still recovering from having to fix Ursula's fish tank"

"Cruella, then?"

"Jafar, the Mouse's pet dog already hates us all anyway. What makes you think the fur-obsessed madwoman would be a better choice?"

Jafar turns suddenly to his companion, "What about Frollo?"

Mulling it over for a second, Hades' face splits into a wide, toothy grin.

o.o.o.o.o.o

"No, absolutely not! I refuse to be manipulated into some harebrained scheme to get us some needless extravagance!"

"Claude, Claude, Claude," Hades puts an arm around the judge's padded shoulders, "just think how good those reruns of _Baywatch_ will look on a glorious 80 inch high-definition screen!"

After a brief moment of agonising internal conflict, Frollo reluctantly turns to the pair, "Don't make me regret this."

o.o.o.o.o.o.o

"I throughly regret having ever partaken in one of your ridiculous schemes!"

A sopping wet Frollo slams the living room door open, drips of water from his robe punctuating the silence as his fellow Villains turn to stare at him.

"Claude, what the hell happened to you?" Hook inquired, folding his copy of the Toontown Chronicle.

"It was the Mouse's damned dog!"

"Funny, I always saw Goofy as the peaceful sort," Yzma mocks.

The vein in Frollo's forehead pops out, and for a second the group worry that the judge wishes to join the TV in exploding. " _First of all_ , I arrive at the company reception, where the receptionist witch tries to seduce me-" snickers from some of the other Villains, "before I'm made to sit in the waiting area for _three and a half hours_ , in which time I was screened no less than _seven_ times for concealed weapons or potions. When I finally got called in to see the Mouse, his rabid excuse for a dog _Pluto_ leapt at me before I could even open my mouth, grabbed my chaperon straight off my head and proceeded to chase me straight into the moat! Why in God's name are the offices housed in a castle anyway?!"

Panting heavily, he is met with silence.

"So... no 80 inch TV, then?"

"SHUT UP, HANS!"

o.o.o.o.o.o.o

"Right, so collectively we've amassed $58.38, and an expired discount card for ordering pizza online worth $15." Gothel announces, having finished counting the money for the third time.

"I guess that's the 80 inch screen ruled out then." Queen Grimhilde sulks.

"We'd be lucky if we got an 8 inch screen with that money..." Jafar mutters mutinously.

Cruella tuts, "We're villains, can't we just steal one or something?"

Casting a sardonic eye towards the black-and-white-clad woman, Facilier drawls, "Since we're still trying to get the cops off our back after the Mim incident, I'd say theft is a no-go at the moment,"

"Has anyone tried conjuring one?"

"I would appear that magic and technology don't mix particularly well," Ursula points to the space on her forehead within which her eyebrows formerly resided.

"We've got to have more money than this!" Hook says, despairingly, "Are you sure you asked everyone?"

Gothel rolls her eyes, "Well, everyone I could. Scar says he left his wallet in his other pants and Maleficent hasn't left her room since yesterday."

"This is terrible!" Grimhilde moans, "How am I going to keep up with _Toontown's Next Top Model_ now?"

"Oh, stop being so melodramatic, it's only been a day since the TV broke!"

"Well," Jafar sighs, "the black market is our only choice now. Unfortunately."

"And that's not gonna attract the cops?" Facilier exclaims, eyebrows raised.

Hook puts an arm around Facilier, "Come on, Facilier, we're Villains! Scoundrels! It's in our blood! Since when do we care about getting on the wrong side of the law?"

"Hook, you cried for half an hour and sulked for three days when the cops turned up saying that they'd towed your ship away because it was illegally docked."

"Those buffoons had no right!"

"Anyway," Jafar groans, "getting back on topic. I shall pay Honest John a visit and obtain a new television. Agreed?"

"Wait wait wait, hold on a sec there, Jafar. How do we know this one isn't going to be as crappy as the old one?" Hades asks.

Jafar smirks confidently, gesturing to his staff, "I have my means of persuasion..."

o.o.o.o.o.o.o

"What was that you were saying about your ' _means of persuasion',_ Jaffy?" Hades inquires that evening as a small group of Villains gather to watch the newly-acquired television.

Jafar's eye twitches as he turns his attention back to said television, which in actual fact was their old one, taped and glued back together and by some miracle working again.

"Turns out that Honest John sources 85% of his products from garbage, quite literally. He apparently saw our television lying in the road and thought he could find a loving home for it. He even gave me $10 off just for the sheer enjoyment he received from this cruel irony."

The mood is dangerously calm that evening as they tune into the news, screen flickering with static.

Having developed a headache from the poor quality screen, Jafar departs for his bedroom shortly after this exchange. Trudging up the stairs, he pauses as he hears multiple voices emanating from Maleficent's room. Curiosity getting the better of him, he presses his ear to the door, ' _Wait a minute, that sounds like_ -'

He opens the door suddenly, catching the room's occupant off guard. Maleficent pauses the episode of _Game of Thrones_ that graces the large television mounted on her wall, calmly turning to Jafar, "Yes?"

"B-but you don't-" Jafar babbles, agape.

"I don't _what_?"

"You don't watch television! All the drama we've been through putting up with the knockoff one downstairs, and you didn't think to tell us about this!"

She smirks wickedly, "You're right, I don't watch _television_. I watch _Netflix_ on it."


	2. Episode 2: The Inspection

The postman gulped. He'd drawn the short straw back at the office today and had been saddled with _the problem household_. Gulping at the cawing crows circling above the Mansion, he gathered his wits and walked up the path, being careful to avoid any stray bear traps (God knows Martin had kicked up a fuss last week when he'd been caught by one). With no small amount of trepidation, he removed the letters from his bag and quickly put them into the mailbox. Edging away slowly, in his peripheral vision he caught sight of a pair of piercing black eyes, staring at him from behind the front window's curtains. Speeding up with a gasp, the postman ran down the road back to civilisation.

o.o.o.o.o.o

* **Cue intro** *

o.o.o.o.o.o

Jafar gulped, recognising the expressive cursive handwriting on the envelope. Opening it carefully, he extracted the letter, and reluctantly scanned its contents. His loud cursing alerted the nearby Hook, who walked over to him.

"What's all fuss ab-" Hook paused, also recognising the handwriting, "oh."

Reading through the rest of the letter, it appeared that a house meeting was required. Immediately.

o.o.o.o.o.o

Feeling the impatient group gathered before him adding to his already sizeable headache, Jafar cleared his throat, "Right then, I'm sure you are all aware that it is rent day tomorrow?"

A few murmurs and nods of agreement.

"Well, I have just been informed that the Mouse will be too busy to come-" a few relieved sighs and cheers from the crowd, " _himself_."

"Cut to the chase, Jafar." Maleficent hissed.

"-So he shall be sending _Mrs. Mouse_ to not only collect the money, but to conduct the annual inspection of the property." Jafar finished.

He was met with stunned silence, until panic broke out.

Unlike her fretting housemates, Maleficent merely raised a neat eyebrow.

If Hook was about to say something reassuring, his words died in his throat as he looked around the room and was met with mysterious carpet stains and conspicuous holes in the walls.

"Does the letter say anything else?" Gothel inquired.

"Only that they expect the house to be free of villainous activity, as per usual." Jafar rolled his eyes, "But let's not forget that Minnie isn't as...acquiescent as Mickey."

"What time will she be here?" Scar asked one the panic had died down.

"2pm precisely," Jafar answered, "So that gives us...twenty-seven and a half hours."

"Well then," Maleficent began, "I suppose we should get started."

o.o.o.o.o.o.o

[26 HOURS, 45 MINUTES REMAINING]

"Bloody hell." Hook muttered, surveying the extent of the damage of the room before him.

Gaston, the owner of said room, merely scoffed at the pirate, "What can I say? A man's got to keep his hunting skills sharp."

Bewildered by the other man's cocky tone, Hook let his eyes wander around the room yet again; decorated with a gaudy hunting lodge aesthetic, bullet holes and stray arrows littered every wall. The ceiling's plaster created noticeable piles of rubble on the carpet, which itself had noticeable beer stains.

"Lad, you need to get this room presentable ASAP."

"I've dusted my self-portrait!" Gaston spluttered, gesturing to the painting in question (which truth be told was the cleanest part of the room).

"Gaston, you're an idiot."

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

[26 HOURS, 35 MINUTES REMAINING]

Meanwhile, Gothel headed towards Ursula's room, which she had agreed to assist with. On her way there she walked past Grimhilde, who was vainly trying to herd a gaggle of enchanted brooms around the kitchen in order to sweep up.

Gothel's own room was (thankfully) problem-free, so the state of her fellow villain's room came as a shock, "Ursula, what in God's name happened here? It looks like there's been an extremely localised tsunami in here!"

The sea witch already looked flustered, and Gothel's comments didn't help matters, "That, darling, is exactly what happened."

Gothel followed Ursula's gesture towards an large fish tank - taking up most of the back wall - which was now seemingly empty. The still-damp carpet and wrinkled wallpaper was enough for Gothel to guess just where the water had gone.

"How-?"

"Hans, the little worm. Couldn't clean my aquarium out properly."

Gothel raised an eyebrow, "Why isn't our dear prince helping you out then?"

"Because, Gothel, in my moment of anger I did this." Whipping out a small water-filled jar, she showed Gothel its contents: a small polyp that the other woman assumed to be Hans. Instantly, the polyp began waving its fist and cursing the sea witch.

"So that's where he's been for the past few days." Gothel smirked, tapping the jar.

Ursula let out a short cackle, "You see, this is a much more entertaining punishment, don't you think? It's due to wear off in the next day or so unfortunately, but it was fun while it lasted."

Placing the jar carefully on a shelf, Ursula turned back to Gothel, whose mind had immediately returned to the task at hand.

"I'll go get the heaters."

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

[23 HOURS, 14 MINUTES REMAINING]

Hades wasn't finding the task of repairing his room (or rather, his minions repairing his room) too challenging. Yes, they'd already used two buckets of paint and _yes_ , there was no hiding the scorch marks on the back of his door, but all in all the damage was mostly cosmetic.

The one downside, he mused, was that the only paint available was canary yellow. It was a sickening, _happy_ colour that even the Princesses would balk at. It was the only paint they had left, as the magnolia was being used as a matter of high priority in the living room. The notion of supplying the villains with this godawful colour was one of Mickey's many attempts to boost morale amongst the (comfortably) dour Villains; quite understandably, they locked it in the attic as quickly as possible, never again to see the light of day.

Until now.

Hades grimaced.

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

[17 HOURS, 43 MINUTES REMAINING]

As the sun set over Toontown that evening, the Villains all collapsed down in the living room, all thoroughly exhausted from making the house look presentable. As the smell of fresh paint lingered, they couldn't help but feel a sense of accomplishment; ink stains and mysterious holes had been patched up, while the carpet had been scrubbed intensely. Kronk was finishing off hiding Yzma's chemicals and potions (with a resounding * **boom** * emanating from the garden shed), and Gothel and Ursula came down the stairs.

Jafar looked at the women, "Whatever was that droning noise you two were making all day?"

"The spare heaters," Ursula replied flatly, "did not work. We've been having to use hairdryers."

"Still not as painful as having to witness Gaston learn how to use the vacuum cleaner." Hook chuckled.

"Hey! In my defence, it was clogged with hairballs!"

"I said I was sorry!" Scar countered.

"Now now, let's not ruin all our hard work." Maleficent stated, sensing rising tension.

Settling down to watch the television for a while, the Villains gradually trooped up the stairs to their rooms, taking great care not to spoil their newly-presentable rooms.

Tomorrow would be a long day.

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

[13 MINUTES REMAINING]

After a tense morning, the Villains were frantically rushing about to put the finishing touches on the Mansion. Dead bushes outside the front door were replaced with bright flowers, and rugs were placed strategically over particularly stubborn stains.

"Right, so all evidence of villainous activity has been hidden now?" Jafar asked frantically as Maleficent placed their staffs into a broom cupboard.

At the nods of a affirmation, Jafar relaxed minutely.

As she closed the cupboard door, Maleficent turned round to face the others, "Although counter-intuitive considering our occupations, I believe it would be wise to act as casual and laid-back as possible during the visit. If you're not capable of that," she fixed a pointed glare towards the already irate Queen of Hearts, "then I suggest you keep out of the way until the inspection is over. Understood?"

A chorus of yeses resounded, but Maleficent froze, "She's here."

Jafar jumped into action, "Places, everyone! And remember: act _casual_."

As the Villains took their places, Jafar walked hesitantly towards the door.

o.o.o.o.o.o.o

[0 MINUTES REMAINING]

Minerva Mouse approached the looming home of the Villains serenely. Most would balk at the thought of dealing with this many Villains in one place, but Minnie was nothing if not resolute. Two feet and three inches of unflappable businesswoman, she knocked confidently on the imposing front door.

The door opened almost instantly, and she was greeted with a (perhaps unnaturally) grinning Jafar.

"Minnie! How wonderful it is to see you again! Please, come into our humble abode."

As he released her gloved hand from the firm handshake, he bowed lowly, allowing her in.

As she entered, she was greeted with the sight of several Villains milling about the area and going about their business.

"Thank you, Jafar," Minnie smiled, before turning to the rest of the Villains, "Hello everyone. As you know, Mickey was unfortunately too busy today to come by and collect the rent, so I thought I'd do it myself and conduct the annual inspection while I'm at it."

The Villains remained silent, waiting for her next move with bated breath.

Sensing the tension, Minnie turned back to the vizier, "Jafar, would you do me the honour of showing me around?"

"Of course, of course." Jafar replied cordially, mentally planning to direct the mouse away from anything too incriminating, "As you can see, here is our living room..."

As Jafar led Minnie around, the other Villains lingered.

"She doesn't seem to be upset with anything yet." Hook noted quietly.

"' _Yet_ ' being the operative word." Scar noted with a raised eyebrow.

"While this is thrilling and all, I'm gonna grab some coffee." Hades remarked.

"This is your eighth cup today. Was the stress keeping you awake last night?" Cruella mocked.

"Look, you try sleeping in a room the colour of a Care Bear's puke." Hades retorted, before heading off into the kitchen. A few others followed.

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

"Now if you would like to follow me into the kitchen..." Jafar led Minnie out of the living room.

The handful of Villains accompanying Hades greeted the pair noncommittally, cautiously observing the mouse as she jotted down notes on her small notepad.

"Hey, Ursula," Gothel whispered to the witch, "Where did you put Hans this morning?"

Ursula thought for a moment, the other handful of Villains eyeing her with concern.

The witch's eyes widened, and her gaze shot towards a shelf on the other side of the kitchen, just behind the potted plant that Jafar and Minnie were observing.

The other Villains' eyes bulged. Frollo, in a fit of rarely used toonspeed, darted behind the mouse and quickly placed his sizeable hat over the jar containing Hans.

Minnie and Jafar whirled around in surprise, the latter raising an eyebrow at the judge.

Racking his brain for a decent explanation, Frollo quickly adopted his signature stoic expression, inquiring, "Would you care for any refreshments, Madame?"

Minnie observed the judge and narrowed her eyes; the Villains collectively held their breath.

After what seemed like an eternity, her smile returned, "I appreciate the offer, Judge Frollo, but I'm OK for now."

Frollo inclined his head and returned to his seat, leaving his hat atop the jar.

The kitchen thankfully passed the inspection, and Jafar led Minnie upstairs to quickly inspect the bedrooms.

Each room had (surprisingly) been tidied up decently, and Minnie was quite satisfied with their condition.

However, upon entrance to Hades' room, Minnie had a few questions,

"Oh, you've actually used this colour paint?"

Jafar had barely contained a gag at the sight of it, but quickly came up with an explanation, "Oh yes, Hades believed it would brighten his mood, for want of a better word."

Minnie didn't seem entirely convinced, and asked innocently in her sweet voice, "Are you sure it wasn't repainted to cover damage?"

Jafar forced a grin, hoping his fellow Villain couldn't hear what he was about to say, "Not at all! Hades simply _adores_ the colour!"

Jotting down a few sentences in her notebook, Minnie didn't press the matter as the paint (albeit garish even by her standards) was currently in a decent condition.

"Well then," Jafar broke the silence, "this is the last of the bedrooms. Shall we head back downstairs?"

Minnie nodded assent, and they rejoined the other Villains.

The others were nervously sat in the living room, anxious to hear the final verdict.

"Well, I am pleased to say that I have seen no evidence of illicit activity and the house is in great condition!" Minnie clasped her hands together enthusiastically, "Although it is a shame that not all of you were here today to hear the good news. Where's Hans?"

The absence of one of Disney's latest Villains was hard to ignore (especially when his movie was the company's largest cash cow), and Minnie looked at the others expectantly.

Ursula noticeably paled, before the group erupted with a dozen different exclamations.

"He's out shopping!"

"He's at church!"

"He's helping old ladies cross the road!"

Minnie cast a bewildered look at the Villains, who were hoping that the winning smiles currently plastered onto their faces would be convincing enough for the mouse to buy it.

However, their cautious optimism was shattered when Minnie noticed something crawling into the room.

An angry polyp was viciously clawing it's way across the carpet from the direction of the kitchen, a trail of water left in its wake.

Said polyp soon began to glow and take the form of purple smoke, which soon cleared to reveal a very angry (and very wet) Hans.

Clothing torn, he made a beeline for Ursula and pointed a dripping finger in her face, "YOU! You witch! Bet you thought it was funny, huh? Bet you thought-"

Noticing the Villains groaning and wincing, Hans did a double take, before finally noticing the gaping mouse next to him.

Eyebrow raised, Minnie stood there in stunned silence.

Embarrassed at their fall at the final hurdle and disturbed by the uncharacteristic expression of shock on their normally-unflappable landlady, Jafar nervously chuckled and handed her the envelope, "Anyway, here's the rent!"


End file.
